That losing combination of Catholic guilt &
anxiety
That losing combination of Catholic guilt &
anxiety fucks me up when it comes to women. I wind up in relationships because
I think I ought to. So not to hurt the other's feelings. That I should do 'the right thing'. The number of bad roots with kind of pity sex. I’m 53 &
still not through that shit. I tell myself stories so I can put up with my bad
decisions. & I always end up looking stupid. Egg on my face. Man when I
lived in S.E. London the guys tried to teach me. They were so much cooler. “Just get the pussy wet.” It’s
that Mozart in the wig shop in the film Amadeus, “they’re all so beautiful, I
wish I had 10 heads.” Only then my guilt kicks in & I have an anxiety
attack & ruin them all & still no doubt wind up with the one I don’t
want & spoil things with the one I do. If it weren’t so sad it’d be
hilarious. Actually, it is hilarious. All I want to say to all the women I’ve
known is I’m sorry. I was just frightened it was being sucked down a pathway I didn’t want to go down. I’m a fuck up. I’m trying to get better. I guess at least I
can talk about it now & I’ll really try to avoid hitching my wagon to the
wrong star because of feeling an obligation.
Published & Copyright Malachi Doyle 2024.
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