Mental Vomit

 

Mental Vomit

 

I have no scenario I’m just in a stupid mood. Apparently you’re not allowed to use that word in schools. If a kid is cutting someone’s hair without the person knowing, you can’t say “you’re being stupid.” You’ve got to say “It’s inappropriate” or “It’s not ok,” like manbun in that government ad., where the knob ending is talking smack about his wife & manbun says “It’s not ok.” & that’s it. That’s all he says. He doesn’t extrapolate or anything. Just a manbun disapproving & then moving on. Anyway this isn’t funny. I don’t know why I’m giggling. I’m just a stupid idiot. As Richard says “You’re off your chops!” haha.

I like stirring the pot. It’s good I think, to see masks drop & poke taboos. How can you write & not get beneath the surface? Anyway this is kind of tedious. Oh man I had a good breakfast. Bangin. One thing you can say about me is that I can cook. I remember living with Tim & Sally back in the day & Sally said all I ever made was toast. Perhaps true but I was really intimidated to cook surrounded by chefs. I’ve never been cool. I’m hot. Not as in “oh my God, he’s so hot!” Not that kind of hot, more as in my body temperature & my manic personality. I’ve been appraising it. Is that the word? Sounds a bit strange. Anyway I worked out I’ve played close to 500 gigs in my life & taught working class teenagers for 8 years. That’s a lot of public speaking & performing in front of strangers. & so one learns to be bullet proof. Actually my brother Tim taught me that. When you grow up in violence, you gotta think & move fast. It’s good learning. My mother was a Drama Teacher & my father was an ex-Priest, later a teacher. Both of them singers. Mum also a dancer & actress. So each night the stage was set for the performance! Hence I’m like a more wimpy male Grace Jones. Man I love her. I reckon we’d hit it off, as long as she has a sense of humour. Actually, you know what I’m a bit sick of aggressive people. I don’t think I’m aggressive, more mad, as in crazy. On. That’s why I like my own company, coz I’m really quiet & sensitive. The hard thing in public is with my PTSD I can’t listen very well, coz there’s so much noise in my head. I can recall it all later & I often need time to process it. I like dragonflies a lot. I have a picture I drew of one above my desk. I just like em. They make me feel happy. I also really like playing with my niece & nephew from my last marriage. We play ridiculous games. I prefer their company to the company of adults, coz we get to play makebelieve & nonsense. That’s what I like. I like watching Shaun the Sheep & Two Broke Girls. When my wife’s brain surgeon called me to tell me that they fucked up her operation & were asking for my permission to try & fix it while the hole was still in her head (because she was incapacitated) something in my head went “boiinnnnggggggggggg!” like a spring popping out on a wind-up toy. Since then I’ve found it really hard to be ‘serious’. I don’t wanna be. Why should I be? Where is it legislated that one must be serious? & if I’m not breaking any laws why should anyone else care?

Anyway, far too serious all this protesting. My mates Robert & Lupe had avocado on toast with lemon & salt & pepper & coffee. As much as one could eat & drink. That was about 1994? Robert changed the course of my life. I spent years with his Fijian community. I like their position on open houses & welcoming people. It was a real eye opener. We couldn’t really have people around as a kid in case shit broke out. It was too tense. As I’ve said I can’t be serious because I’ve endured too much tension. So I’m just saying “let it all fuckin hang out!” I can’t handle ‘appropriateness’ & all that shit. When you live in different parts of the world you see that standards are anything but universal. I don’t understand my society. I felt more comfortable in Lewisham SE London. Highest murder rate in the UK. No posing. Beautiful. It didn’t matter if you were crazy. People didn’t care. Yunno you’re part of it. You exist. Anyway I can’t talk about it. I just want to say you don’t have creep around minorities or disabled people. There’s too much of that. We’re not that fragile. I went crazy & it was the best thing to have happened to me. Coz I learned it’s ok. Be yourself. Just be kind. Don’t patronize. Don’t condescend. Don’t feel worthy. Just be humble. Fuck, is it that hard?!

 

 

Published & Copyright Malachi Doyle 2024.