Love Sex Beauty & Desire
By Malachi Doyle (with Max Sometimes)
A chat led by me but enabled by the responsiveness
of Max Sometimes who inspired me to get my thoughts down, in the hope that they
might be useful both now & for future generations. Moments earlier I had
opened up talking about myself. Max thought it interesting & useful, so I
pressed record & the following morning transcribed it. I have italicized Max’s
words, which steered me to my previously made points.
So,
What we were saying was
That beautiful women
& love & desire
“Not all…”
&
The sacredness of sex
& that
I only really wanna have sex
When the moment
& the energy
& the chemistry
Kind of leads to it
So then it’s actually meaningful
But then
On the question of beauty
& attraction…
… see I think I go around life
Not looking for relationships
Longer term nor casual
That’s the last thing on my mind, right?
I’m not someone seeking a relationship
I’ve never willed a relationship
I’ve never sought a relationship
But what happens is
I meet women
& there’s a spark of some kind
Not necessarily a sexual spark
But we just kind of
We dig each other
& then
At some point along the road
I have this epiphany
That they’re smoking hot
& I’m really attracted to them
Which startles me
Even though I’ve spoken to them for months
& then like…
Then it’s weird
It’s great but…
I think there’s so much suffering in the world
So much pain
That I have a difficult relationship with beauty
Because really beautiful women
Seem somehow incongruous with/in a brutal world
& the fact that they suffer their own inner
turmoil
& go through their own Golgotha
That kind of thing
Now don’t get me wrong
There ARE women
Who are spellbindingly attractive
When I meet them
But I’m not going to talk to them
The minute I’m aware that a women
Is sort of objectively beautiful…
Because one’s treating them as an object at that point
Like a piece of art
Aesthetically…
& there’s no joy there
(I mean there’s a cheap joy
A wank joy –
You might go off later & do your thing)
It’s not the person that’s doing it
It’s their shell
So, what I’m saying is
I don’t warm up to someone
If it’s just a shell…
I don’t view desire in terms of otherness
I view desire as oneness
(“true reciprocity”)
The only great sex…
I mean that’s why I can’t fathom men who rape
Or even men who take advantage of someone who’s
vulnerable
I can’t relate to it
Because
To me it wouldn’t be attractive
(“they’re preying on someone else’s corpse”)
I can’t conceive of it to be honest
& I don’t have that kind of predatorial thing
Nevertheless I might be out somewhere
& I see an attractive woman
Of course
There are some women who kind of freeze me
But with the women I’m with
What I’ve found is
The difficulty I’m had with beautiful women
& for some reason
I’ve wound up with beautiful women
I mean they were attractive to me
I mean that makes sense doesn’t it?
Why else would I be in a relationship with them?...
But it’s when they ‘KNOW they’re beautiful’
THINK they’re beautiful
With a kind of hubris
That it offends me
It repulses me
I know it’s not only VANITY as such
But it has a sense of that
It’s a conceitedness
When one someone thinks they’re ‘better’ than some
When someone works up their ego
Based on their outer shell
To me that vaguely offensive
It doesn’t mean
I hate beautiful women
I’ve been with some very beautiful women
But it’s like there’s a tension there
I slept with this woman years ago
Who was like flawlessly beautiful
& we’re having sex
I just started laughing
I just couldn’t take it seriously
Because it just seemed
“What the hell am I doing here?!”
That’s not what I’m into
It’s not that that’s not what I’m into
It’s that
It’s not even sexy
It just
It’s like participating in your own porn or something
There’s no REALITY to it
It felt OTHER
There was a distance there…
(“I’ve had men & women tell me
& I have my own different experiences of it
That it’s not uncommon to be…
The insecurities that arrive when met with
something extremely beautiful
& there’s almost a …
Yunno if we don’t feel we can merge with someone”
Yeah/”yeah”
“Then we’re not really there.”
It’s all about merging
It’s all about coming together
& being together
Coming together
In both senses of the word
BEING together
& it’s a sacred thing
But nevertheless there’s always been that tension within
me
When I notice that someone’s REALLY beautiful
Having not noticed that in the time we’ve got to know
one another
& feeling vaguely in a weird kinda way
Turned on & yet put off about it
At the same time
“Is that also speaking to your own…”
Because it brings out a part of me that feels
Like all of a sudden I’m viewing that person who I
feel as a twin
To be somehow foreign
The foreignness of exceptional beauty or exquisite
beauty
& I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s
foreign to me
I’ve never had a like a sleezy one night stand
I’ve never ‘picked up’ someone at a bar & had sex
with them that night
“Good”
I’ve never done it
Because there’s gotta be time to build up intimacy
“Yep”
& intimacy is not …
It kind of pisses me off that word “Intimate” is being
used
As a byword for the merely sexual
“Emotional intimacy…”
Well you don’t even have to divide it up
I’m just saying intimacy is intimate
Like a oneness
I mean I talk about the intimate/infinite
That that’s the sacredness of existence
So you’re caught up in this thing
Now it doesn’t mean you don’t have afterthoughts &
little trigger memories
Of like titties in the face or a climactic penetration, a tremble of lips
That you remember a kind of vision you have
Of like the divine or whatever
& it remains a thrilling thing
I wouldn’t go back & wank on it
But it’s like a highlight of my life kind of thing
“Yeah, yeah”
I had a relationship with this woman
In England
& she wasn’t a particularly attractive woman
But when we were having sex
She was spectacular!
She was right into sex
We had a really good chemistry
We had the same sense of humour
& she was INTO IT
She said “I like sex”
One of the first things she said to me
She took off her underpants
And said “smell these… no smell” kind of thing
& I’m thinking THIS is cool
I like this
Coz I’m eccentric
She’s eccentric
No one worried about…
No one criticizing anyone about their behaviour or ideas
A wonderful permissiveness there
Where no one was judging
There was no judgement in that relationship
But um… I don’t know what the point is
It’s… yeah, that’s it really…
Did we get it?
“Yeah, it’s a good beginning
Now you’ve got a good diary log.”
Off tape I asked Max If I’d got everything we’d
talked about on the night before I’d hit record. She said there was only on
thing I missed, regarding my invisibility. So I decided to hit record again.
--
On my Invisibility:
The other thing we wanted to talk about, which I had
said earlier was that I’ve always felt…
I don’t know what I look like
Because I’m in the moment
I’m a very ON or present/in the moment person
I’m not thinking about what I look like
I’m not thinking “Gee I hope my hair’s ok or whatever”
It’s not that I don’t care
It’s that it doesn’t even come into my transom kind of
thing
So… so…
& in a way I think we’re all like that
“Yes”
When we’re centred in being
& centred in Creation
& in oneness
& spirit
The whole thing of life
Centred in Life
I mean we don’t know what we look like when we’re
centred in life
We’re all part of one massive organism
That’s pulsating
& all sorts of things are going on
Attraction-repulsion
But also eroticism
It’s a living thing
It’s a growing thing
A procreating thing
“Some people ARE aware…
It took me a long time to find out that some
people ARE aware
Coz I’m …”
I have no idea what I look like
& at the end of the day
I’m only one miniscule part of an enormous whole
“I couldn’t replicate my face
Whether I wanted to or not”
I don’t look in the mirror much
“Yeah”
I can’t…
I mean occasionally I look in the mirror & say
“Wear a hat! Your hair looks like shit”
I’ll wear a XXXX cap…
& that’ll show em! (laughs).
--
Published & Copyright Malachi Doyle 2024.
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