Love Sex Beauty & Desire

 

Love Sex Beauty & Desire

By Malachi Doyle (with Max Sometimes)

 

A chat led by me but enabled by the responsiveness of Max Sometimes who inspired me to get my thoughts down, in the hope that they might be useful both now & for future generations. Moments earlier I had opened up talking about myself. Max thought it interesting & useful, so I pressed record & the following morning transcribed it. I have italicized Max’s words, which steered me to my previously made points.

 

So,

What we were saying was

That beautiful women

& love & desire

 

“Not all…”

 

&

 

The sacredness of sex

 

& that

 

I only really wanna have sex

When the moment

& the energy

& the chemistry

Kind of leads to it

 

So then it’s actually meaningful

 

But then

On the question of beauty

& attraction…

 

… see I think I go around life

Not looking for relationships

Longer term nor casual

That’s the last thing on my mind, right?

 

I’m not someone seeking a relationship

I’ve never willed a relationship

I’ve never sought a relationship

 

But what happens is

I meet women

& there’s a spark of some kind

 

Not necessarily a sexual spark

But we just kind of

We dig each other

 

& then

At some point along the road

I have this epiphany

That they’re smoking hot

& I’m really attracted to them

 

Which startles me

Even though I’ve spoken to them for months

 

& then like…

Then it’s weird

It’s great but…

I think there’s so much suffering in the world

So much pain

That I have a difficult relationship with beauty

 

Because really beautiful women

Seem somehow incongruous with/in a brutal world

 

& the fact that they suffer their own inner turmoil

& go through their own Golgotha

That kind of thing

 

Now don’t get me wrong

There ARE women

Who are spellbindingly attractive

When I meet them

But I’m not going to talk to them

 

The minute I’m aware that a women

Is sort of objectively beautiful…

 

Because one’s treating them as an object at that point

Like a piece of art

Aesthetically…

 

& there’s no joy there

(I mean there’s a cheap joy

A wank joy –

You might go off later & do your thing)

 

It’s not the person that’s doing it

It’s their shell

 

So, what I’m saying is

I don’t warm up to someone

If it’s just a shell…

 

I don’t view desire in terms of otherness

I view desire as oneness

(“true reciprocity”)

 

The only great sex…

 

I mean that’s why I can’t fathom men who rape

Or even men who take advantage of someone who’s vulnerable

I can’t relate to it

 

Because

To me it wouldn’t be attractive

(“they’re preying on someone else’s corpse”)

I can’t conceive of it to be honest

& I don’t have that kind of predatorial thing

 

Nevertheless I might be out somewhere

& I see an attractive woman

Of course

There are some women who kind of freeze me

 

But with the women I’m with

What I’ve found is

 

The difficulty I’m had with beautiful women

& for some reason

I’ve wound up with beautiful women

I mean they were attractive to me

I mean that makes sense doesn’t it?

Why else would I be in a relationship with them?...

 

But it’s when they ‘KNOW they’re beautiful’

THINK they’re beautiful

With a kind of hubris

 

That it offends me

It repulses me

 

I know it’s not only VANITY as such

But it has a sense of that

It’s a conceitedness

 

When one someone thinks they’re ‘better’ than some

When someone works up their ego

Based on their outer shell

To me that vaguely offensive

 

It doesn’t mean

I hate beautiful women

I’ve been with some very beautiful women

 

But it’s like there’s a tension there

 

I slept with this woman years ago

Who was like flawlessly beautiful

& we’re having sex

I just started laughing

I just couldn’t take it seriously

Because it just seemed

“What the hell am I doing here?!”

That’s not what I’m into

It’s not that that’s not what I’m into

It’s that

It’s not even sexy

It just

It’s like participating in your own porn or something

There’s no REALITY to it

It felt OTHER

There was a distance there…

 

(“I’ve had men & women tell me

& I have my own different experiences of it

That it’s not uncommon to be…

The insecurities that arrive when met with something extremely beautiful

& there’s almost a …

Yunno if we don’t feel we can merge with someone”

Yeah/”yeah”

“Then we’re not really there.”

 

It’s all about merging

It’s all about coming together

& being together

Coming together

In both senses of the word

BEING together

 

& it’s a sacred thing

But nevertheless there’s always been that tension within me

When I notice that someone’s REALLY beautiful

Having not noticed that in the time we’ve got to know one another

& feeling vaguely in a weird kinda way

Turned on & yet put off about it

At the same time

 

“Is that also speaking to your own…”

Because it brings out a part of me that feels

Like all of a sudden I’m viewing that person who I feel as a twin

To be somehow foreign

The foreignness of exceptional beauty or exquisite beauty

& I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s foreign to me

I’ve never had a like a sleezy one night stand

I’ve never ‘picked up’ someone at a bar & had sex with them that night

“Good”

I’ve never done it

Because there’s gotta be time to build up intimacy

“Yep”

& intimacy is not …

It kind of pisses me off that word “Intimate” is being used

As a byword for the merely sexual

“Emotional intimacy…”

Well you don’t even have to divide it up

I’m just saying intimacy is intimate

Like a oneness

I mean I talk about the intimate/infinite

That that’s the sacredness of existence

So you’re caught up in this thing

 

Now it doesn’t mean you don’t have afterthoughts & little trigger memories

Of like titties in the face or a climactic penetration, a tremble of lips

That you remember a kind of vision you have

Of like the divine or whatever

& it remains a thrilling thing

I wouldn’t go back & wank on it

But it’s like a highlight of my life kind of thing

“Yeah, yeah”

 

I had a relationship with this woman

In England

& she wasn’t a particularly attractive woman

But when we were having sex

She was spectacular!

She was right into sex

We had a really good chemistry

We had the same sense of humour

& she was INTO IT

She said “I like sex”

One of the first things she said to me

She took off her underpants

And said “smell these… no smell” kind of thing

& I’m thinking THIS is cool

I like this

Coz I’m eccentric

She’s eccentric

No one worried about…

No one criticizing anyone about their behaviour or ideas

A wonderful permissiveness there

Where no one was judging

There was no judgement in that relationship

But um… I don’t know what the point is

It’s… yeah, that’s it really…

 

Did we get it?

“Yeah, it’s a good beginning

Now you’ve got a good diary log.”

 

Off tape I asked Max If I’d got everything we’d talked about on the night before I’d hit record. She said there was only on thing I missed, regarding my invisibility. So I decided to hit record again.

 

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On my Invisibility:

 

The other thing we wanted to talk about, which I had said earlier was that I’ve always felt…

I don’t know what I look like

Because I’m in the moment

I’m a very ON or present/in the moment person

I’m not thinking about what I look like

I’m not thinking “Gee I hope my hair’s ok or whatever”

It’s not that I don’t care

It’s that it doesn’t even come into my transom kind of thing

So… so…

& in a way I think we’re all like that

“Yes”

When we’re centred in being

& centred in Creation

& in oneness

& spirit

The whole thing of life

Centred in Life

 

I mean we don’t know what we look like when we’re centred in life

We’re all part of one massive organism

That’s pulsating

& all sorts of things are going on

Attraction-repulsion

But also eroticism

It’s a living thing

It’s a growing thing

A procreating thing

“Some people ARE aware…

It took me a long time to find out that some people ARE  aware

Coz I’m …”

I have no idea what I look like

& at the end of the day

I’m only one miniscule part of an enormous whole

“I couldn’t replicate my face

Whether I wanted to or not”

I don’t look in the mirror much

“Yeah”

I can’t…

I mean occasionally I look in the mirror & say

“Wear a hat! Your hair looks like shit”

I’ll wear a XXXX cap…

& that’ll show em! (laughs).

 

 

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Published & Copyright Malachi Doyle 2024.